This is a very controversial topic and has many different opinions. I decided to share mine because I have been thinking and talking about it to many people for the last few weeks and even months.
One small disclaimer: The examples with genders can be transferred on bi- and homosexual people.
There are many questions open for me. Especially why our freedom in my generation in life, relationships and dating is so important to us. I wanna touch on the problematic parts about normalizing the so called hookup culture. I’m sure it came to everybody’s attention but I will describe it for you. The hookup culture is a group of people who are willing to share sexual intimacy without emotional bonding and feelings. Also called casual dating and no strings attached. Basically it is men and women enjoy having sex without being in a relationship which can mean they are changing partners more frequently, the relationship usually only builds up on these dates.
Some people are making love to each other without loving each other. Mixed drinks turn into mixed signals and then mixed feelings. Some people want to push their ego and some will try to fill a void.
“he likes my body but does he like my mind?”
In this society we have created a mindset that says a woman or man is prude and boring when he or she is not having one night stands or a “friends with benefits relationship”. On the other side society says a man is the king and a player when he gets women to sleep with him and a woman is seen as a slut when she does so.
Young people want to try out different things before they get into a serious relationship, marry and have children. They often want to have the benefits of a relationship without putting in the work.
This is an objective view without judging and I do not want to say that anything you or another person is doing is wrong. I simply want to spread awareness over this topic since I am surrounded by that all the time. I will touch on the reason later on.
I see people fall in love with the character the person is trying to become without truly getting to know the person – which is the real naked.
But what is it saying about us? It might say that we give in to tempting things way quicker and sometimes we think we need the late night love even though we feel lonely and maybe only miss the times we had in a relationship? I believe people love hooking up because it allows them to have the short term satisfaction and satisfy their lust. It is a quick way to feed the ego and try new “things”.
Young adults really love their hookup culture. They get to have their favorite part of teen relationships and don’t have to commit to do things like meeting parents, go to their grandparents birthday, help building a shelf together or say no to the cute girl/ boy at the bar. The downside is the misunderstandings they often have. Their „partner“ can sometimes seem to want more. More means spending time together outside the bed. Which could actually mean „Ugh oh no I think she/ he is falling in love” …
And I hear some saying they don’t want to feel used especially because all they do is do it. Girls and boys are proud to say that they can differ sex and love. Is it something that you want to be proud of?
I asked a girl how she does not fall in love when she is hooking up with someone. “There is no time falling in love when you’re moving on or when you go back to someone you see regularly. I haven’t been thinking about him romantically but sexually only.”
„Are you looking forward to find a partner you want to share your life with?“ I asked. She laughed and answered with „Well, maybe someday but I don’t have time for that at the moment.“
This conversation showed me that it can be taken as harmless, easy and a thing you do when you’re young. Like it is “just” a glass of wine for most evenings.
But I honestly think it is sad that most young people are not even open for dating someone for their personality. I don’t think that more people need to look after the love of their life. Maybe it’s better to stop looking for anything in the first place.
I can tell you about my personal experience; Yes it was upsetting to see a guy I liked lose interest because he realized I am not going to sleep with him. On the other side he would’ve lost interest if I did, too. The thing is that it is not real interest but a desire and when there is no seed, there won’t be a flower.
Then again it is frustrating because most can fake it and you just want to get to know the person, there is a spark of interest but you need to get to know someone first to say if you’d like to date.
Sooo, this can all be faked. The interest, the get to know each other, the “I will tell you about my past, dreams, ambitions and introduce you to my friends thing”, yeah.
And then people are laughing at girls and boys crying over someone who made them feel special, secure, loved with the right intentions… Being in love is a beautiful thing, you’re in a different dimension but this beautiful world can be so easily taken away.
What I care about are the people who have experienced that, are trapped in between not knowing wether he is speaking the truth or only playing games. It is enormous energy wasting – to question everything, trying to find out what is real, talking about it, giving the person your time and energy, forgiving, changing or getting ready, getting dates canceled and spending the rest of the evening wasting time and being upset.
Sounds like something I experienced and wish nobody else would, hmm.
The problem is that there is a lot of influence that made the “culture” spread like a virus around our earth.
We have youtube videos of girls showing other girls how they get ready for a date aka dick appointment (yeah..) famous people on instagram posing in the most seducing way they can, barely covering themselves, making it seem normal in a way and more common. Our bodies are beautiful no matter what and there is nothing wrong with them in their natural form but the intention behind presenting it in that way has nothing to do with it and that is the problem.
Social media and the influencers influence us a lot. Mostly subconsciously and it depends who you see and follow but there is a big demand for profiles of women showing highlights of their life and presenting themselves in the best way it fits for society. Resulting in young girls thinking they have to do the same because their crushes are following them.
They see their friends trying to be like them (instagram models – the new magazine models) and the more a girl looks like one (even if it is just in her instagram world) she will get the fake interest of a man who is only trying to have fun, feed his ego and feel like a champion who won another trophy. Great, a new olympic sport and proudly he presents the profile to his friends. Maybe I am exaggerating and maybe I just write down what I have been witnessing for the past few three years in different groups of people but I myself had friends that were very into all of this and it affected me too.
I do not see it positive anymore but my profile has grown the most when I was posting pictures of myself, looking my best and wearing things I usually didn’t wear.
I hope I didn’t make you think I got off topic, this plays in fact a big role in this topic. But getting back to the actual question: so what are the side effects? – Well, as already mentioned it can waste your energy and time, spiritual teacher and the yoga philosophy are saying that unhealthy sexual behaviour is lowering your frequency and takes a lot of energy in general that should be used wisely and with the person you have a bond with (it’s an energy that creates new life).
I know the past doesn’t really matter but I used to date more often and got to experience different behaviour with similar or different intentions. Back then I really wanted to have a boyfriend or I was just looking for someone to feel wanted. And now I know it is unhealthy behaviour. Lately I haven’t been dating at all and I got time to heal, to think about a lot.
Now my intention is to spread the awareness and make you aware of the issue, to stop romanticising and normalising it and make young teens stay away from this mess.
I even got pressured and trying to made felt bad for not sleeping with someone. There are really things you don’t wish anybody and it could’ve went worse. I think that is part of an issue that *some* men think women owe them something and he „cant do anything“ about his lust.
In the end it is way more beautiful to do everything with a person you love, someone who cares about you, sees you as a real person and won’t use you. It is also worth the wait I can tell. Don’t let the “sex-positive” movement let you feel powerful where you can be a badass woman when being more promiscuous. Nobody should be shamed for anything but this goes into another unhealthy behaviour.
So I would like to end this post with the following question. Can we still get to know differently people but be picky with who we are giving our intimacy and time to? For our own wellbeing, mentally, energetically, spiritually and physically?